Purge Belongings That Bring Back Old Painful Memories
Out of sight, out of mind. Thats the premise here.
Maybe there are old framed photos around the house. Maybe there is that one piece of art that your spouse really wanted for the living room.
If your spouse is no longer in the house and they didnt take all their belongings, get rid of some of those old memories.
Even subconsciously, being surrounded by items accumulated during the marriage could bring back painful memories.
The best way to avoid these constant recollections is to set yourself up for success.
Start by purging the house of any unnecessary items.
The Idea Of Going On A Date Is Thrilling
If, after divorce, you say to yourself whenever someone suggests you should get back out there,What? Start all over? Its so much work this is a sign that youre not over your divorce. The idea of dating feels like a chore, a series of boxes to check off a list someone else has generated, rather than the adventure it can really be. So, dont do it. Focus on yourself and what you need to discover about putting your life back together. Until you do this work, you will only be showing up half-heartedly or, damaged.
But if you feel a twinge of excitement at the thought of meeting someone new, then some part of you might be ready to move onat least in the romantic department. Check in with yourself. Manage your expectations of self, what you want, what you need, and what you are willing to share.
Read For Mental Exercise
Reading is like taking your brain to the gym.
Your brain is a muscle just like all the others muscles in your body, although much more powerful. Your brain needs exercise and stimulation to perform at optimal levels.
Reading is an incredible way to exercise the brain and the mind.
No, we arent talking about just reading your 50 page Marital Settlement Agreement .
Were talking about things that excite you.
Read things about areas in life in which you want to improve, such as job responsibilities. Or, read about topics youve always been interested in but never had the time to pursue.
The point is just read.
Do it often, daily if you can. Make it a habit, and your brain functions will flourish as a result.
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Who Hurts More After A Divorce
Though both men and women experience pain and hurt when going through a divorce, studies show that men struggle more than their female counterparts. Its important to understand how divorce changes a man and how it can significantly affect their life. A difficult divorce can negatively impact the physical health, mental health, finances, and inner identity of a man. Lets explore these issues in more detail.
First of all, many divorced men lose their sense of identity. Many men spend years building up their image and inner identity as a husband and father figure. They see themselves as half of a partnership and the provider for their children. Therefore, their whole life revolves around building a good living and happy home with their wife and children. But the divorce process rips these identities away from men. All the visions of a happy future dissolve in an instant, and usually, the man is not allowed to see his children nearly as much as he used to. After building up a certain life for years, divorced men are forced to find a whole new identity and purpose to create meaning in their lives.
They may also conduct bad habits or activities that are not in their best interest. For example, they may drink, smoke, or partake in substance usage more. They may do these things to numb themselves or try to forget about their problems. However, this doesnt help heal any pain from the divorce process and may lead to significant health problems.
What Takes So Long Anyway
The legal divorce process requires that you understand your unique circumstances, finances, and parenting if you have children. You need to gather a lot of information, know the law, understand your rights, and avoid later regrets about your decisions. You also need to know what decisions will work out for you and your family in the long run, even if those decisions are not what the law would provide.
In our next meeting, I suggested that Phil learn about the different divorce process options. I encouraged him to choose a divorce process that supported his best intentions for his family. If possible, choose a process such as mediation or Collaborative Divorce to stay out of court. Working in an alternate dispute resolution process such as these gives you control over your decisions and over the time it takes to complete the divorce.
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Reset Your Trust Standards
Dont let your insecurities snowball into your next relationship.
As difficult as it may be to let go of the pain and feelings of betrayal following a divorce, you must be willing to put that negative mindset behind you before committing to a new relationship.
Work on yourself first.
Learn how to be happy on your own and get reacquainted with you are outside of being in a relationship. When you do decide to start dating again take it slow.
New relationships are exhilarating but if you have any lingering trust issues going into it, they WILL come to the surface at some point.
Yes, its scary and you can never really control or predict what someone else will do.
Choosing to trust your next partner does involve some risk, but how will you ever find the happiness you deserve without it?
Do Men Regret Divorce
This depends on the divorced guy in question, what caused the divorce, how messy the proceedings were, and other divorce-related issues. Some men divorce their ex-wives and never regret it. Others struggle with life after divorce and wonder, what if?
You should also understand how divorce changes a man. It often leads to health problems like weight gain, a significant reduction in financial resources, increased loneliness , and decreased mental health and self-esteem. These are significant changes that can easily make some men spiral downward in a way that their female counterparts dont experience as much. If this is the case, they probably do regret getting a divorce, as their life was probably far more stable when they were married. Very few men are completely unaffected by divorce, so its natural to have some regrets.
Divorce recovery is an essential key to determining if a man has any regrets. Men who work hard to develop a fulfilling life after divorce will tend to not regret the divorce. During this period, many men may seek professional help to help them process their emotions and feelings. This can do wonders for their mental health, self-esteem, and self-respect and is usually a good indicator that they are ready to move on with their lives.
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Questions That Determine How Long It Takes You To Recover From Divorce
Everyone involved in the divorce is thinking it. You’re taking this huge step that will change your life forever, that will throw your day-to-day life into upheaval, and you want to know when, exactly, you can expect to find your way back to some semblance of “normal.”
The hardest part is that there’s no real firm answer to that question.
More From Prevention
Every person’s divorce is different. Every comes with its own unique set of circumstances, personalities, and variables. Even if your divorce is as amicable as possible, you might have your own issues with the post-marriage grieving process that could take years to resolve.
You just have to manage your expectations.
In our latest Expert video , Senior VP of YourTango Experts Melanie Gorman asks a panel of professional divorce coaches to weigh in on what it takes to put a divorce behind you and move forward.
Our divorce Experts Sonja Stribling, Laura Bonarrigo, Cherie Morris, and Pegotty Cooper all agreed that everyone gets over a divorce at their own pace, but they also outlined several key factors that can affect the length of your divorce recovery period.
You can watch their full comments in the video, but here are 5 things that can definitely have an impact on how long it takes you to get over a divorce.
Keep Calm And Practice Assertive Communication
Sure, you might feel upset, angry, and have nothing but contempt for your ex. Still, when you have to stay in contact, it can help to temporarily set those feelings aside.
Thats not to say you should ignore those feelings. Just aim to avoid letting them tint your discussions as you hash out details.
A few helpful tips:
- Set boundaries around communication. Will you call, text, or email? How often?
- Limit your conversations to essentials, like childcare or any financial arrangements youve put in place.
- Avoid jabs, insults, and any hurtful or snide remarks.
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How Long Does It Take To Recover Emotionally From Divorce
Most people expect that going through a divorce will be hard and that they aren’t going to feel happy. However, most people expect that as they adapt to their new lives and situation, they will begin to feel better. A recent study suggests it’s more complicated.
In an article titled, “Time does not heal all wounds,” Professor Richard Lucas at Michigan State University reported that the level of life satisfaction of divorced adults does not recover to pre-divorce levels even six years after the divorce.
How did he study life satisfaction following divorce? Using an 18-year longitudinal study of a representative sample of German adults, Lucas examined their ratings of life satisfaction before and after the divorce. He looked at satisfaction over three periods of time: marriage , reaction period and adaptation . What happens to life satisfaction before and after divorce? People who divorce begin to report less satisfaction with life up to six years prior to the divorce. There is a steady decline in satisfaction which reaches its lowest point about 1 year prior to the actual divorce . From the divorce to four years after the divorce, satisfaction increases, but by five years it has leveled off and is still lower than during the early stages of marriage.
What about the effects of remarriage? Remarriage substantially increased adults’ life satisfaction following divorce. Divorced men who get remarried do not get as much of an increase in satisfaction.
Our Culture Is Unrealistic About Divorce And Recovery
Another roadblock to divorce recovery is that our culture doesnt get it either. In the movies, you seldom see the children having to shuffle back and forth between Moms house and Dads house and wonder where is my house? Our screens seldom show the dysfunction that is the norm with many divorces. There is rarely the mortgage that cant be paid, or the second job you have to take or dealing with how complicated every single holiday or family function becomes.
Celebrities show up together holding hands and do Conscious Uncoupling as Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband did . and who are now better friends than weve ever been. Really?!
Plus, there are no cultural rituals to get closure. There is acceptance, but as youve probably heard, there is no closure like there would eventually be if your partner had died. With divorce you have to keep seeing the body over and over again and your ex is usually beaming because he or she is finally with, the love of my life, while youre still in the fetal-position-stage of grief.
If your spouse had just been hit by a truck, there wouldnt be all the doubts about yourself or your worthiness or your faults. You wouldnt have to realize that they wanted to be in someone elses bed instead of yours. You wouldnt keep second-guessing yourself and obsessing about what you could have done differently or what they are doing together now.
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Divorce And Men: The Power Of Anger
Sadness feels weak and men often experience humiliation when they feel weak. This makes it easy to become angry. Anger feels powerful. It can cause men to say or do things that hurt the person who rejected them. This tough guy stance may come out with friends and family who try to support the bereaved man, pushing them away. The message can be I dont have a problem, I can handle this fine on my own. A high price is paid for that momentary sense of power further isolation and often further despair. A greater toll is taken when the anger leads to a more complicated divorce or when children are exposed to the toxicity of a parents hostility.
A man who is losing his partner will feel out of control of his life. Anger can be a tool to regain power, punishing with words and deeds the person who seems to be causing the pain. It is easy to justify such anger. She cheated on me, she was always drinking, she was a lousy wife/mother/sister. We have all heard these howls from our friends who are separated. Another way that men use their anger to feel powerful is to punish the departing partner by damaging her reputation, reporting long kept secrets or complaints, attempting to diminish her to her friends, family and community.
Consider Expanding Your Friend Circle
Divvying up shared belongings is one thing, but what about mutual friends?
Its not uncommon for shared friends to gravitate toward one partner or the other after divorce. If you didnt have many friends of your own before getting married, you might have inherited your spouses friends when tying the knot.
You may have grown close enough that your friendship continues after divorce, but thats not always the case. You might, then, find yourself feeling lonely, even isolated, once the marriage ends.
Forging new bonds can help ease feelings of loneliness and create lasting opportunities for social connection.
A few helpful tips for making new friends:
- Volunteer in your community.
- Invite a friendly co-worker to coffee, lunch, or a weekend walk.
- Take a class in art, music, cooking, or exercise.
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What Causes You To Feel Lonely After A Divorce Or Break
When a relationship ends, there are a number of factors that can contribute to post-break-up loneliness:
- Grief, sadness, and anger:Divorce and relationship break-ups can start you on an emotional rollercoaster. Emotions like grief, sadness, and even anger can be common. Emotions like these may cause you to pull away from others and isolate yourself, which can eventually lead to feelings of loneliness.
- When divorce and break-ups happen, its not uncommon to become separated from groups of friends and extended family, especially those closest to your ex. These people were an important part of your shared life and could very well be completely gone from your new life. And lets not forget about pets. Many divorces and breakups also mean a beloved family pet is going with one partner and not the other. If you were closely tied to a pet that is no longer around, this missing “loved one” can also leave you feeling alone.
- Child custody:When children are involved in a divorce, there are often custody issues to deal with. If you share custody with an ex, there could be times you suddenly find yourself alone without kids around to distract you. This can contribute to feelings of loneliness after divorce also.
- Holiday blues:Many couples and families have regular holiday traditions, often shared with family and friends. Divorce and break-ups can change all that. When those holidays come back around, they may bring with them post-relationship loneliness.
Organize Your Things Marie Kondo Style
Commit to getting your life organized.
Day to day life can be pretty stressful, so give yourself one less worry and take the time to reorganize your belongings.
Creating an organized living space where everything has a home and clutter is eliminated can be life changing.
Start by eliminating anything you dont love or have a genuine need for.
Organize your belongings by category, not by location .
Its not just about cleaning up, but more about removing those things from your life that dont hold a significant purpose.
Karen Says You Need To Know What You Still Have To Do To Get Over Your Divorce
Divorce is painful! It hurts to have your life torn apart. You’ll ask, How long does it take to recover from divorce? hoping that someone will be able to tell you exactly when your pain will stop.
Sometimes the pain can be so great that you wonder if it will ever end.
Sometimes you might believe that what you’re feeling isn’t normal because it’s nothing like what you expected.
Thoughts and feelings like these can make you feel isolated and like no one understands.
But I want you to know that you’re not alone. You’re not the first to feel what you’re feeling or to think what you’re thinking as you work through the grief of your divorce.
Maybe some of this sounds familiar:
- You’re physically and emotionally exhausted from morning until night
- You believe there must be things about you that have to change
- You find yourself wanting to unload your feelings of hurt and anger on your ex
- You feel like crying because you feel so sad
- You want to stop thinking about your ex, but somehow you can’t
I get it. I’ve been exactly where you are right now. When my marriage ended in 2002, I can’t tell you how many nights I cried myself to sleep wondering when the pain would stop and if I was sane. I had no idea when things would get better and what it would take for my life to feel “normal” again.
And I can help you too.
Why does this matter?
And you can do this in one of two ways: with your eyes open or with your eyes closed.
That’s one path.