How To Talk To Your Children About The Divorce
If you have children, talking to them about the divorce may be difficult. There are many different ways to talk to your children and help them transition into your familyâs new reality. Some of these strategies may include the following:
- Give them space. Reassure your children. Listen to their concerns and feelings. Lovingly tell them the unadulterated truth to anything they need to know.
- Provide stability. During this transitional phase of your familyâs life, maintain your childrenâs routines and daily life. Giving them stability and familiarity can feel very grounding for them.
- Be steady and consistent. Because your children may be splitting their time between two houses, speak to your ex-spouse about things like household rules, discipline, and family values ahead of time.
- Let your children lean on you. Make an effort to let your children know you are trustworthy, reliable, and consistent so that they confide in you. However, try not to be too transparent about your feelings on the divorce.
- Keep the processing you are doing with your ex-spouse or yourself private. Donât argue with your ex-spouse or use your children as messengers or spies.
When To Seek Help After A Divorce
Dont underestimate the power of talking to someone. Whether thats a trusted friend or family member or a professional therapist, having a sounding board about how youre feeling is important.
Ultimately, as you work through emotional issues, you can move forward and create healthy new relationships.
Part of it is taking personal responsibility and accepting your new life, Tucker says.
Watch Out For Anyone Who Seems Too Perfect
Never are you more in need of validation and affection than after ending a serious relationship. And while thats totally natural, it can set you up to be victimized, Dr. Walfish says. One of the red flags that a date doesnt have good intentions? They’re flawless.
It may sound counter-intuitive, but if they check every single box on your list, shower you with gifts, text or call all the time, push for quick commitment, make incredible promises, or want to be the only person in your life, you may be dealing with someone who is looking to control you.
That mind sound a little dramaticand sure, there’s a chance you really have landed royaltybut Walfish points out that the harsh reality is there are a lot of people out there who aim to take advantage of women, and being in your 40s or 50s doesn’t make you immune.
One way to stay safe? Get regular reality checks from close friends and loved ones who can offer an outside perspective of your situation.
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Even When You Do Your Best Your Children Will Feel The Effects Of Divorce
Youre a woman, not a robot. During and after divorce, your emotions may remain scattered, frayed, or short-wired. Everyday decisions may seem insurmountable. You try to be strong, to let it all roll off your back, because you want to be the best mother possible. You want your children to see you stand tall instead of falling apart. But you will have bad days, just like we all do. You slip. You might vent about your Ex to your children. Or theyll overhear you badmouthing him to a friend or family member in a moment of frustration or desperation.
No matter how old your children areeven if they are adults or not living at home anymoredivorce will impact them. It may affect their outlook and their ability to connect with others, including you and your Ex. Your splitting up will alter holidays and family functions. And although you may feel some closure with your Ex after the divorce document is signed or hes no longer living in the same house, if you have children, he* will always be in your life.
Divorce may mean communicating with your ex-partner whom you never communicated well with before. You may be dealing with things like support orders and visitations, drop-offs and pick-ups. Your childrens lives will be disrupted, and afterward, each of you will have to figure out how to move forward and create a new life together.
Here Are 7 Steps For You To Take That Can Make Your Life After Divorce Better:
When I got divorced, I wanted to be able to move on with my life ASAP. I felt frustrated that I was struggling with my life after divorce. As a result, I wasnt patient with myself. I kept pushing and tried to force myself to feel better.
As youve probably guessed, that was a recipe for prolonged misery.
What I learned is that you cant force your emotions to just change. But what you can do is make different choices about how you perceive and work through them.
For instance, if you feel a wave of anxiety because youre struggling with something, you can take a deep breath and choose to look at whats the fear behind the anxiety. And once you understand the fear you can figure out what action you can take to address the concern.
It may seem counterintuitive, but by taking appropriate action, you are actually cutting yourself some slack. Instead of beating yourself up for feeling a certain way, youre first understanding your emotions and then being proactive about dealing with them.
Many people get so caught up struggling with life after divorce that they forget to think about the future and how wonderful it can be. Yet, if you allow yourself to anticipate something good that youre looking forward to big or little youll find that the positive flow of emotions can actually help pull you through the tough stuff and toward the good stuff.
Whats a dream youre looking forward to becoming a reality?
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Final Thoughts About Finding Yourself After Divorce
In a relationship, no matter how long it lasts, spouses can lose themselves. They adjust to each others behavior and live following each others interests. But after a divorce, its time to think about who you are and what you want from life, not your spouse.
You need to find out what you like and what makes you happy, and learn to look at yourself with your own eyes, not your partners. After analyzing and accepting yourself, you will understand who you really are. Moreover, youll realize that you are much stronger than you thought.
To fill your life with meaning after divorce, set goals for yourself, define tasks that will help you achieve them, and determine your personal values and priorities. They make up your personality. And step by step, move towards your dreams.
Organizing And Purging Your Belongings Could Help
Feeling lost after a divorce could come from being in the same environment but starting a new life.
You may be using the same furniture or decor, for example. Photos can also hold sentimental value and may serve as a painful reminder of your divorce.
Consider doing inventory and reorganizing some of your belongings to decide what you want to keep and what needs to go.
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Whats Life Like After Divorce
After a divorce, youll go through an adjustment period, full of different stages and emotions.
Its important during this time that you focus on taking care of yourself. Think about self-care like taking a relaxing bath each week or trying your hand at painting. Use this time to try new things.
You also want to make sure youre taking care of your physical health, by eating healthy foods and not turning to alcohol or drugs.
Maybe easier said than done, but embrace this change and new chapter in your life.
Tips For Grieving After A Breakup Or Divorce
Dont fight your feelings. Its normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. Its important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. While these emotions will often be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will only prolong the grieving process.
Talk about how youre feeling. Even if it is difficult for you to talk about your feelings with other people, it is very important to find a way to do so when you are grieving. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. Writing in a journal can also be a helpful outlet for your feelings.
Remember that moving on is the end goal. Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger, and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.
Remind yourself that you still have a future. When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams for a life together. After a breakup, its hard to let these aspirations go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.
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Take Courageous Action Daily
At the end of the day, we have to show up differently in our lives to create a different result. Trying on new ways of being, different activities, facing fears, and learning new things can all be very scary, but are also necessary when you are in a process of finding yourself after divorce. Each and every day, you have an opportunity to walk courageously through your life and if you do, you will learn something new about yourself daily.
Jennifer Joy Butler is a love and relationship coach, a certified health coach, writer, and podcast host dedicated to helping people fall deeply in love with themselves and awaken to their internal power to create joy, love, and freedom in their lives. A graduate of New York University with a Masters Degree in Social Work, Jennifer is also a divorced single mom who has transformed her own life. Jennifer truly understands her clients and the journey they are on.
Develop A Strong Support System
Your support system is essential when you are going through a divorce. Identify the people you can rely on in your post-divorce life. It is a good idea to have someone you can talk to when you start to feel down. When choosing your support system, make sure you pick non-judgmental people.
If you need help beyond your friends and family, hire a therapist or a divorce coach. Trained divorce professionals have experience working with people in your situation. They have tools to help you work through your emotions without judging you.
You can also attend a divorce support group. If you do not feel comfortable attending an in-person support group, there are social media support groups you can join.
Or, you can speak to your pastor, priest, or other religious leader. Regardless of who you turn to during this difficult time, it is important to find someone who can help you through your divorce recovery.
Working with a professional is even more important if you suffered abuse during a bad marriage. You should also let your divorce lawyer know if you suffered domestic abuse in your marriage, as they may be able to connect you with resources in your area.
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Spend Quality Time With Your Children
Making a point to enjoy fun activities and create new traditions with your children can help ease the post-divorce transition.
No matter how busy and overwhelming your new day-to-day routine becomes, dedicate some time each day to checking in with your children and relaxing as a family.
You dont need to make every moment fun and exciting, or deviate too much from your regular routine. But you might:
- Take time for one fun outing each week, like a trip to a movie, beach, or park.
- Establish new rituals, like cooking dinner together or having a board game night.
- Spend 30 minutes each evening sharing details from your day.
If your children have questions about the divorce, its generally best to:
- Answer questions in an honest but age-appropriate way.
- Maintain a calm and neutral tone.
- Avoid critical, judgmental, and unkind comments about the other parent.
- Stick to the facts.
Emphasizing that sometimes relationships dont work out, however hard partners try, can also:
- help remind your children the divorce wasnt their fault
- lay a foundation for healthy relationship skills if they someday find themselves in an unhappy relationship, theyll know they have the option to leave
Stop Feeling Like You Should Have Made It Work
You may feel as though your divorce is the worst thing that’s ever happened in your life, but you should really take a step back and evaluate it. You might notice some things about yourself or even more importantly, about your spouse, that clearly show they would have never been able to make this work no matter what you did for them.
It’s fine to mourn the relationship but not fine to let that drag on indefinitely. When that happens, you are not only putting yourself through unnecessary hardship and pain, but also affecting your children , and everyone who cares about you and wants to see you happy.
It’s okay to feel good again with your life even though you got divorced. You deserve all that the world has to offer to you.
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Life After Divorce: 7 Divorce Survival Tips For Men
Letâs not beat around the bush: going through a divorce sucks big time. Thereâs a lot of worry, stress, uncertainty, and a pile of emotions .
1) Allow yourself time to grieve
Feeling sad, angry, hurt, betrayed, desperate and lost is common after a divorce â and perfectly normal. The important thing is to remind yourself that these feelings wonât last forever, even if at times it feels like they will.
2) Donât jump into a new relationship
After a break-up, try to avoid launching into new intimate relationships. It may not be the answer to lifting yourself out of a dark place. Dr Robertson says: âDating when your mind is not in the right place can further damage confidence and leave you feeling confused, and might compound the hurt and anger.â
3) Spend time with people who make you feel good
Itâs important for your mental health to make the time to catch up regularly and re-establish relationships that may have drifted over the years. Having strong social connections has a major influence on our long-term health and wellbeing. Spending time with your friends and having people to rely on in a crisis is good for everyone. Dr Robertson says: âOld friends are often really pleased to be having more regular contact. Some may even have been through divorce themselves and could provide a listening ear, useful practical advice, or just moments of relaxed fun and laughter.â
4) Find a new activity
5) If you have kids, focus on their needs
Denial Of What Happened
After a breakup, a person is in shock. They dont fully understand that their family broke up, the spouse is no longer the spouse, and joint plans have turned into dreams that wont come true with them around.
As a result, we feel self-pity, and our mind turns on its defense. Our consciousness tries to isolate us from reality, provoking a denial of what is happening. It is a way to cope with the pain of loss.
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It Is Possible To Be Friends
You may no longer love each other in the way you once did, but it doesnt follow that just because youre divorced that all your feelings towards your ex-partner will just disappear.
It really is possible tomaintain a friendship after divorce , after all youveprobably spent the last few years being there for each other, theres no needto sever all ties as soon as the Decree Absolute comes through.
If you have childrentogether or lots of mutual friends, then making an effort to maintain a civilrelationship will make life easier and far more pleasant for everyone.
S For You To Take That Can Make Your Life After Divorce A Life You Love Again
Divorce is rarely easy. It marks the end of something you thought would last forever through thick and thin. And when your dreams are destroyed, moving forward from the destruction can be really, really hard. What you need to know first is youre not alone. Struggling with life after divorce is pretty common.
If fact, at least 50% of everyone who divorces struggles with moving on with their lives. I know this because theres usually one spouse who decides divorce is the answer while the other wants to work on the marriage. And, as you know, it only takes one to make the decision to divorce.
However, not everyone who decides divorce is the answer to the problems in their marriage finds it easy to move on with their life. Many of the deciders struggle with life after divorce too.
So, if youre struggling with your life after divorce, you also need to know that you can get through it. You can create a new life for yourself that feels good. And, yes, you can be genuinely happy again.
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Reach Out To Your Inner Child
According to Eric Bernes transactional analysis, every person has three subpersonalities: child, parent, and adult. They may replace each other depending on the situation and sometimes can come out simultaneously.
The American psychologist states that the inner child recreates our childhood thoughts and feelings, aspirations, fears, and reactions. They are responsible for our impulses, curiosity, and creativity. This child you need to find in yourself.
As we grow up, we forget about the child in us that knows how to dance in the rain. We stop doing things that awaken hopes and dreams inside us probably because we consider ourselves too old for this.
Searching for that inner child after a divorce is one of the critical steps to finding yourself after separation because it takes you back to the basics of yourself.
Think about what brought you joy when you were a child. What made you feel happy? How did you see yourself in the future? What were your hobbies?
Learn to interact with and hear your inner child because you can learn a lot from them.