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Life After Divorce For Men

Ways To Rebuild Your Life After Divorce For Men

Life After Divorce for Men: Challenging the Belief of a Failed Marriage

1. Stop Grieving and Start Imagining.

  • Excessive grieving can lead to depression.
  • Depression can lead to suicidal ideation or worse, suicide.
  • You need to tell yourself that you have had enough.
  • Stop going further into depression.
  • Find a word, a trigger word, to tell yourself enough.
  • A word that I have found to have meaningful power is Zehhu.
  • This word came to me as a result of a nightmare that changed my life.
  • But, find whatever word that works for you.
  • Tell yourself that you are tired of feeling you no longer exist.
  • Imagine that you were the owner of a field, a vineyard.
  • A hurricane blew through and destroyed everything you had built your home, your vineyard, your life.
  • Imagine what you need to do to rebuild your vineyard.
  • Stop sitting in the middle of your field and mourning over your losses.
  • Rebuilding your vineyard is a parallel to what you need to do to rebuild your life after divorce.

Divorce And Men: Recovery And Renewal

After grief there is an opportunity to make life happy and fulfilling, perhaps for the first time. A surprising statistic of divorce is that a significant majority of people feel their life has improved two years after divorce. Even for the person who did not make the choice to separate! Men who make the best adjustment will be those who work at making life richer, happier, more fulfilling. What do I miss from the last relationship? What are the elements I would rather avoid in a new partner. What are the dreams I deferred that I can now pursue? What did I learn that will make the next phase of my life as good as possible. All relationships have lessons to teach us. The challenge is to transform those lessons into growth that improves our future.

If you are going through a divorce and are concerned for how it is affecting you and your children, I can help, contact me.

How Long Does It Take To Get Over A Divorce And 4 Signs You Are On Your Way

Theres a saying about getting over someonethat it takes half the time you spent together to truly move on. That means six months of wallowing for a year-long relationshiptime that might drag on endlessly, or time that might fly by faster than you can blink. But for longer relationships? Those marriages that have spanned years and possibly decades? The waiting period is a whole other discussion, a conversation we are going to have now.

Because after divorce, you want your life back. But a part of you is still reliving the past, turning your marriage over and over like a skipping stone in your hand. A stone that, at some point, you have to drop. You have to let it go. For the truth of the matter is spending the next decade missing your Exand feeling sorry for yourselfis even more depressing than your actual divorce.

So you aim to help yourself, you start researching. You ask friends, you ask family , How long is it supposed to take to get over a divorce, anyway? Yet, you get nothing in return, but differing answers leading to more questions.

Now youre here reading, and we are with you. We know that sometimes arming yourself with knowledge is the best way you can feel in control, especially when it comes to all-things-divorce. So, how long does it take?

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Focus On Connections Outside Of Relationships

You have to get out and meet new people.

Youve spend the past five, ten, or maybe even twenty years with one woman. And let me guess. Youve ignored your friends and lost a couple of them.

That happened to every divorced guy I coached.

Heck, I see it in my own social circle. One of my best friends doesnt talk to me anymore. There was a time when we spent almost every day together. I havent heard from him since he got married. Im sure Ill hear from him after his divorce.

Try to meet people who share your hobbies and beliefs.

However

Dont get a new girlfriend right after your divorce.

You are too vulnerable right now. A rebound relationship could destroy everything. You havent reached your full potential as a man. If you end up in a new relationship, youll stagnateand you might end up making the same mistake again.

Do you really want to go through another divorce?

Put Effort Into Your Bio And Photos

Life after divorce can be tough, but try to remember that the happier ...

There is nothing worse than when a man says something in his bio like, I hate talking about myself. Or, If you want to know something, just ask me. This shows that youre lazy and didnt put much effort into telling prospective dates who you are. And if youre too lazy to do this, then how much effort will you really put into a relationship?

In other words, you really need to be aware of the image you are putting out there with your profile.

So, really think about who you are, what values you have, and try to paint an accurate picture of who you are as a person. If you arent good with words, have someone help you.

Also, pay close attention to the types of pictures you include in your profile. You should have several including a full-body shot. And they should all be recent within the last six months or a year tops.

Stay away from wearing sunglasses , hats , cars, motorcycles, and fish .

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Men Skip The Grieving Process

Divorce is one of the most stressful things that can happen in life and only more stressful than the death of a close friend or family member. The person you are losing in the case of a marriage dissolution has been your partner and in your life for a long time and grief is a natural feeling. When men skip the grieving period, they feel at a loss, as their plans are derailed, goals and dreams are changed, and the life plan will differ substantially.

Women take time to grieve, which is a healthy emotion and much needed to move on. Women will also seek professional help or help from family members when they divorce to aid in their emotional state. When men bottle up their emotions, it can result in massive depression and anxiety.

You Feel Positive About You Future

Before your divorce and maybe even sometimes, afterwards, it was hard to care much about your future let alone believe there was anything good waiting for you there. But now surprising events or happenings have inspired you. You may be full of hope. Look! Theres so much about your life thats new and surprising. You never could have predicted or planned for it.

Theres something beautiful about leaning into the unexpected.

Being positive about your future implies that you have taken a hard look at your past and come to a place of acceptance about it, both the good and the bad. It means you no longer carry the past like a weight. Youve moved past blame. When you are living in the here and now, planning and building your new future, this is another strong indicator that youve begun moving on after divorce.

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Life After Divorce For Men: Steps To Take Before You Try To Start Dating Again

Sure, you could walk out of divorce court and sign up for Tinder the next day, but thats not really the healthiest thing to do.

According to Dr. Richard Lucas at Michigan State University, it can take people up to six years to fully heal from a long-term relationship or marriage. And if they date or get into a serious relationship too soon, they are not doing themselves any favors.

So, its important to take some steps before you jump back into the dating pool. Because if you dont, then you are likely to repeat the same mistakes in your next relationship.

Lets take a look at life after divorce for men, and the steps you should take to be happy again.

Take Time To Yourself

Your Life After Divorce as a Man

Speaking of future relationships, it may be worth taking a break from dating rather than rushing into a new romance. Love and intimacy might seem like a great way to fill lonely hours and soothe the wounds in your heart. That said, starting a new relationship when the loss of your marriage has yet to heal wont necessarily help.

You could end up:

  • comparing your new partner to your ex
  • finding it difficult to give the new relationship the emotional commitment it deserves
  • sidelining your physical and mental health needs in favor of your new partners needs

Without a doubt, time alone can feel terrifying, especially if youve never lived alone. But its absolutely possible to find contentment, even happiness, on your own.

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Life After Divorce For Men Is Deadly

Studies show that life after divorce for men is deadly.

A new paper published in the Journal Of Mens Health concludes that divorce takes a tremendous mental and physical toll on men.

Specifically, divorced and unmarried men have higher rates of mortality and are more prone to substance abuse and depression than married men.

The paper, written by Daniel S. Felix, W. David Robinson, and Kimberly J. Jarzynka, is titled The Influence of Divorce on Mens Health.

It concludes that divorced and unmarried men have mortality rates up to 250 percent higher than married men.

A 250 percent higher mortality rate for divorced men is no joke.

More men suffer from the aftermath of divorce than they admit.

Being a divorced man is a real threat to your health.

The causes of premature death for divorced men include cardiovascular disease, hypertension, and stroke.

There is a clear pattern of illness for men that follows divorce in America.

Divorced men are also more prone to various diseases, ranging from common colds to life-threatening health problems like cancer and heart attacks.

Divorce can also affect mens mental well being for example, researchers found that divorced men are more likely to partake in risky activities such as

  • abusing alcohol and
  • divorced or separated men have a suicide rate of 39 percent higher than that of married men.¹

Tips On How To Navigate Life After Divorce For Men

Allow yourself time to grieve

The reality of what you have lost and starting over can come with a sense of hopelessness. Instead of jumping into another relationship or getting into unhealthy habits to numb the pain, it is advisable to give yourself time to grieve. Like the loss of a loved one to death, divorce requires you to go through stages of grief, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and later acceptance. It is important to have people in your life with whom you can share your emotions during the grieving process. Without grieving the loss, your life will be negatively affected.

Regain your sense of identity

It is easy to lose your self-identity in marriage as your life merges with that of your now ex-wife. Life after divorce for men includes finding your way back to yourself and rediscovering who you are and what makes life what it is for you. Tap into your positive attributes and work on overcoming the negative ones to ensure you do not get back into the same habits with your next relationship.

Avoid jumping into a new relationship immediately

Work on your relationship with your kids

Be ready to co-parent with your new ex

Parenting after divorce is new territory for most men, especially immediately after divorce when emotions are still running high. For the childrens sake, it is upon you and your ex-wife to make co-parenting work. Avoid negative talks about your ex around your kids, and never blame the kids for the divorce.

Consider therapy

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He Might Have Difficulty Opening

If a guy has been hurt in the past, he may have put up some emotional barriers to prevent himself from getting hurt again.

Also, if hes been married for a long time and was in a relationship where he didnt need to open up, its going to be a tough habit to break.

This can make it difficult for him to open up to you, even if he really likes you and wants to have a relationship with you.

Its normal to need to be patient and give divorcees a little help when it comes to expressing their emotions.

Make A Conscious Effort To Overcome Your Pain

Life after divorce for men: coping with divorce

Never fear going to a therapist to feel whole and work through your emotions as it will pay off in the long run. Therapists will never label you, but will rather help you go through the transformation by respecting your unique path. Theres a common thread in almost every great work of literature: what writers refer to as the Hero’s Journey. So, dare to be the hero of your own life without heeding to the expectations or norms of society. Society itself is imperfect, after all.

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Im Not Going To Ask For Help Stage

Psychotherapist, relationship coach, and divorce mediator Toni Coleman says that men are less likely to ask for help. She says, Males lean heavily towards a belief that they should be able to deal with their own problems and solve them themselves.

She adds that asking for help was always seen as a weakness. In earlier generations, the joke was that men would not stop and ask for directions when lost.

They would drive for hours, lost, but refuse to ask for help and instead try to find where they needed to go on their own… Guys dont like to be vulnerable or appear weak.

A man either tries to cope with his divorce emotions on his own, or he turns a blind eye to his problems. After all, asking for help, according to some men, means admitting that they cant cope on their own.

But there is good news. This situation is starting to change. Men are becoming more open and allowing themselves to feel vulnerable. Of course, complete emotional honesty is still a long way off, but the first steps in this direction are already being made.

The Risk Of Marriage For Men

Unfortunately, there is a lot of bias against men in our modern society.

From the dimwitted male fools depicted on primetime comedies to the divorce courts that treat divorced men like criminals.

In the ideal world, of course, marriage can be beautiful.

But in this day and age, in our current society and legal system, marriage has a significant risk of leading to divorce.

Divorce almost always kills the man unless he is very poor or wealthy.

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What Life After Divorce For Men Over 40 Is Really Like

These 4 steps will help you get over your divorce and on with your life.

Life after divorce for men over 40 is very different from what their married friends think it is. Their friends think that a divorced guy should immediately get out there and sample as many different women as possible and that will automatically help them get over their divorce.

In my more than 10 years work with men over 40, Ive yet to meet one who can immediately jump from being what he thought was happily married into the fabled life of a playboy.

Men over 40 need time to shift from being a family man to being a single dad because you cant just erase the lifestyle youve had for years as easily as flipping a switch. Its more of a four-step process.

Why Men Should Never Get Married

Why is Life So Hard After Divorce, Especially for Men?

A man faces the real statistic of a 50 to 60 percent divorce rate.

He knows that if he goes through a divorce, most likely, he will lose everything:

  • social support, and more.

A divorced man faces a more significant health crisis than a man who never married in the first place.

So, next time you meet a man who never wants to get married.

Dont judge him so harshly.

He is not just after casual sex with no commitment.

Realize that he wants to protect himself from the nightmare of divorce.

He sees the casualties of divorce all around him and wants no part of it.

Not getting married, for the modern man has nothing to do with not wanting to commit.

Staying single has everything to do with wanting to lead a peaceful, turmoil-free life.

But, for those who never dreamed their marriage would end in divorce, how are you going to protect yourself from the suicidal depression that destroys life after divorce for men?

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Consider Expanding Your Friend Circle

Divvying up shared belongings is one thing, but what about mutual friends?

Its not uncommon for shared friends to gravitate toward one partner or the other after divorce. If you didnt have many friends of your own before getting married, you might have inherited your spouses friends when tying the knot.

You may have grown close enough that your friendship continues after divorce, but thats not always the case. You might, then, find yourself feeling lonely, even isolated, once the marriage ends.

Forging new bonds can help ease feelings of loneliness and create lasting opportunities for social connection.

A few helpful tips for making new friends:

  • Volunteer in your community.
  • Invite a friendly co-worker to coffee, lunch, or a weekend walk.
  • Take a class in art, music, cooking, or exercise.

Men Rush Into New Relationships

Since men dont take the time to grieve correctly, they dont want to be alone after a divorce and will most likely rush into a new relationship right away. In this manner, they can meet someone new and suppress all their feelings and disappointments with the failed marriage. This can lead to troublesome relationships.

On the other hand, women take time out to grieve and examine their emotions. Women will also take their time before entering a new relationship, making a future relationship stronger. Women are also more likely to not rush into something new because face it, who wants to feel like they are back in high school with all the uncertainties of those relationships.

Divorced women are much less likely to remarry than divorced men. If you notice, online dating sites have a large excess of men over women. Many women with children that divorce doesnt want to enter into another relationship after the first wasnt successful for fear of a new relationship not lasting either.

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