Rule No : Set The Tone For The Divorce From The Get Go
As Christine explains, When telling your wife you want to divorce, its important to set the tone early. Let her know that it is your goal for the divorce be an amicable and fair process. Emotions run sky high during divorce, so the more you can assure her that you will do your best to be fair, the better your odds will be for avoiding a contentious divorce.
Work Towards Positive Co
Without a doubt, one of the most important divorce tips for men is to consider that divorce affects more than just you and your ex-spouse. Children are more often than not involved as well. Depending on the age of the children, the process of seeing their parents get a divorce can be a painful one.
This statement is especially true if the divorce process is a toxic one. Even if they dont show it, kids will remember the nasty, vicious things that get said by one parent about the other. You might have the worst opinion about your ex-spouse, but remember that it is the mother of your children you are dealing with. Your kids will certainly think of her that way.
Thats not to say that you need to ignore your feelings, but you do have to have a respect for the way that your children view your ex-spouse your feelings are not their feelings. Make certain to remind them that the breakdown in your marriage is not because of them and that you still love them.
These reminders can sound forced at times, but they are the reinforcement that your kids require. Working amicably with your ex-spouse can also ease some of that tension and keep their lives feeling as normal as possible.
Using Children As Leverage During The Divorce
Moral and ethical issues aside, using your children as leverage in your divorce will hurt you in front of the judge. From a legal perspective, the Florida court system is interested in awarding majority timesharing to the parent who nurtures and facilitates a positive relationship between the child and the other parent. When determining who should receive custody of the child, a judge is required to determine whats best for the childnot for the two parents.
Using children as pawns to further your financial or emotional goals, such as harming your former spouses feelings, will invoke the fury of the presiding judge. This can have a direct impact on the timesharing and child custody arrangements, and this sort of behavior can give your wife even more leverage during property and financial negotiations.
Above all else, judges are human. If youre pushy and rude in court, the judge may give you a worse deal than you would get if you acted like a gentleman. What you can do, instead, is attend parenting classes and try to come up with a good parenting plan that you can during the negotiation.
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Stay As Involved In Your Kids Lives As Much As You Can
If your wife was the primary caretaker for the kids, she was probably the one taking the kids to the doctor, attending parent/teacher conferences and organizing play dates. Now, that needs to change.
While your work schedule still may not allow you to do things with your kids during the day, you still can pay attention to whats going on in their lives. If theyre involved in sports or activities, you can still attend their games or events maybe even some of their practices.
Its also important to stay involved in the less fun parts of your kids lives.
You should KNOW their doctors, their teachers, and their friends. You should know how your kids think and feel, and what matters to them.
If you put in the effort to know whats going on with your kids, and if you learn to pay attention about what they care about, your relationship with them will grow enormously even if you dont get to spend as much time with them as youd like.
Breaking Up Can Be A Minefield Of Financial Anxieties Here’s How To Navigate It
In TV shows and movies, the typical divorce narrative is to portray women as celebrated victims. Meanwhile, men are depicted as silent sufferers who feel resentment, anger, depression and fear over lingering financial issues, relationship turmoil and worries over breaking up their families.
Off camera, the truth is that men don’t always have the tools or the support to deal with these very real concerns.
“Divorce is difficult for everyone involved, but it can be especially challenging for men who don’t typically express their feelings,” says David Blaylock, a LearnVest Planning Services certified financial planner. “They want to keep their divorces private and that’s not a good policy. You want a support system in place, just like any other major life change.”
Sure, the old adage is true: Time heals all wounds. But good advice helps too. The more men know about what to expect when they’re dissolving their marriages, the easier the process can be. So we consulted Bari Zell Weinberger, a matrimonial attorney at Weinberger Law Group, as well as Blaylock, for the key dos and don’ts of what men need to know about the financial side of divorce.
1. Do know the numbers
For an average divorce, Weinberger says you should expect to pay about no less than $20,000, which includes lawyers and experts, real estate costs to divvy up shared marital property, finding a second place for you to live, as well as financial advice and therapy for you or your children.
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Build A Support System
As mentioned earlier, men become alone in such a critical time. They cannot express their feeling to others, so people try to stay away. It is better if you make good contact with your family and friends.
Give those people access to your life whom you trust. They can help you be motivated, and spending this difficult time will become easier. Note that some of them may give you different advice.
You should have that presence of mind to make your own decisions.
Act Smartly And Act With Your Integrity
Such a situation brings pressure on men that makes them angry. No matter how much betrayed you feel, dont lose your integrity for this. Your ex may press your button again and again through social media. Dont react.
Dont badmouth about your spouse and family. Stay away from social media, especially Facebook. Whenever you feel angry, take a deep breath. Instead of focusing on these things, better you take care of yourself.
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Put Together A Parenting Plan With Your Ex
To reiterate: there is nothing more important in your relationship than your children. You need to give them the ability to move through the divorce process knowing that they still have both parents and that they can turn to each of you when they need it.
How you choose to move through the divorce proceedings will not only set the stage for the divorce itself, but for the ability of you and your ex-spouse to be able to co-parent. Responsible adults will keep their focus on the parenting of their children and work to come up with an effective plan towards successfully doing so.
Even if your ex-spouse is being petty and mean, you have to remain calm and focused. You can only control how you behave, and it sets a proper example for your children on how to behave. Having the ability to get over any nasty remarks can be a useful tool for showing your children how to handle the situation appropriately.
Be smart, be patient, and show a level of understanding. It will go a long way towards properly parenting your children the way that you want to.
Manage Your Emotions Especially Your Anger
Divorce is emotionally devastating for everyone. It doesnt matter whether youre male or female. Unless youre a robot, you WILL get angry and upset during your divorce.
The key is not to push those emotions away or pretend that they dont exist. The key is to learn to DEAL with those emotions productively and effectively.
Get a therapist. Start exercising more. Learn to meditate. Take a stress management course. Do whatever it takes to provide yourself with the tools you need to deal with your emotions so that they dont jack up the conflict and cost of your divorce.
Thats especially true because youre a man.
As a man, youre probably bigger and stronger than your wife. If you let your emotions take over when she pushes your buttons, and youre already upset to begin with, its too easy to lose control. When you do, things can get physical.
Thats NEVER okay.
Plus, even if you never physically touch your wife, she can still feel threatened. Just your looming presence in a heated argument can make her feel unsafe. It can make her call the police or go get a Protective Order.
Thats not what you want.
That will add a lot of extra complexity and cost to your divorce.
If you really want to keep your divorce amicable find a way to deal with your own emotions so they dont turn an already bad situation into your worst nightmare.
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Bonus Tip #10learn More About Divorce
Its probably clear by now that you NEED to prepare for this divorce. Dont let your wife be the only one who knows what shes doing the person whos more prepared generally comes out on top.
If you havent already, pick out a divorce attorney and figure out what your options are. Spend time researching the divorce, alimony and custody laws in your state.
If you want my recommendation, I really liked this book:
10 Stupidest Mistakes Men Make During Divorce
Its written specifically for men and a very fast, informative read.
Of course, we also have lots of other free resources available to you on Husband Help Haven, so browse around a bit more if youre interested in learning more about divorce strategies and tactics.
Wherever you go from here, I honestly wish you the best of luck. I know that you will end up happy in the end!
Thanks for reading!
If You Are Using A Solicitor
Cut your costs by:
- Reading our guides that you can find on Advicenow.
- Shopping around to compare prices. If you are looking at fixed price packages, check what they include and if they are suitable for your circumstances. Check whether prices quoted include VAT.
- Being organised ensure you dont waste time by having all the information your solicitor needs to hand .
- Preparing for conversations – have a list of everything you need to discuss and avoid going off the point.
- Avoiding sending letters, emails or telephoning your solicitor unnecessarily. If you are not on a fixed price package, solicitors will charge for receiving all calls, letters and emails from you as well as the calls, emails and letters they make and send.
- Use your solicitor sparingly by agreeing what tasks you can do and what your solicitor is going to do.
- Agreeing what tasks you can do and what your solicitor is going to do. For example, people usually divide up the contents of the home without involving solicitors.
- Making sure you are clear if there will be any expenses youll have to pay on top of solicitors fees and court fees .
Theres quite a lot of legal paperwork involved in getting a divorce . The change in the law this year has made it simpler though, and if you are happy to use the online digital service it should be smoother and quicker than doing a paper based application.
You have some options about what kind of help you use. We talk about these options next.
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Divorce Advice #4 For Men: Go Cheap And You’ll Get Cheap So Don’t Go Cheap
Of the ten different pieces of divorce advice, this one may be the hardest to do unless you have been in business for yourself or you value the importance of time and attention to produce the best result.
It is so tempting to put your primary focus on saving money when thinking about a divorce because you may naturally think the divorce, itself, will be expensive with child support, spousal support and more. Sound familiar? Men, this is where you have to think outside the box for success.
It starts with a consultation.
Don’t overthink the “free consultation” thing when the goal should be getting customized divorce advice.
Spending $200 to $300 to spend an hour or so with an attorney to get real advice is well worth it. You can afford it. This is your life, children and financial health we’re talking about here.
Most of the time, our law firm will actually apply that initial fee you pay toward your retainer so we deduct the initial fee for the case strategy session from the fees you pay. Let’s do math – if you pay $200 for the initial strategy session and your retainer deposit is hypothetically $4,000.00, you pay $3,800.00. Easy right?
What about the actual retainer? If saving yourself a bit of money on the initial retainer deposit or getting an unusually low hourly rate is your priority, then time and attention your case needs may take a back seat to that.
Rebuilding Or Destroying Their Lives
The longer they stay on the previous stage, the more damage they do to their health, career, and future in general.
Some menspend the rest of their lives in the previous stage and commit suicide.
Some end up as negative personas and ruin all their other relationships, and eventually, their own lives. Those that turn to substance abuse get worse until they end up sick, dead, or in jail.
But a lot of men get their shit together and willfully start over.
Somestart dating right away, regardless of how shallow it is, their ego would not let them stay down. They would subconsciously target attractive young women for trophies.
Workaholic men will be more obsessive when it comes to their job.
They would rely on career advancements to boost up their self-esteem. Eventually, they settle in their new routine and start all over again. If the big question is, how long does it take for a man to get over a divorce, theres no clear cut answer.
So long as it takes to get to the next stage after this because there are a lot who never do.
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Lawyer Andrew Bruskin Explains Three Things To Think About That Could Make A Divorce Easier For Both Side
Last week, we had a couple walk into our law office. They greeted us and asked if we could mediate their divorce. After a brief consultation, we worked out a stipulation that both parties signed. After two visits to our officeand two hours of their time their divorce case was essentially over.
What a nice couple, we thought as they left. Too bad most divorce cases are not like this.
Indeed, many matrimonial disputes are not pleasant. Most couples end up in court, bitterly fighting over every aspect of their case. But for lawyers, these issues are big business.
So what are you to do if you are married and are contemplating a divorce? Before you run to your nearest lawyer, take a step back and try to pursue these steps first.
STEP #1: TRY COUNSELING
Many men are surprised when their spouses file for divorce. Women initiate the majority of divorces in the United States. Nevertheless, we have a good amount of men who walk into our door who initiate divorce as well.
If you are a man contemplating divorce, then the relationship is probably on the rocks. The option of seeing a marriage counselor may work when the marriage starts to hit rough waters. If you find you are in this stageand especially if children are involvedyou may want to see a marriage counselor and try to work out the relationship with your significant other.
STEP #3: FILE FOR AN UNCONTESTED DIVORCE
Why is a contested divorce so expensive?
EXCEPTIONS TO THE ABOVE
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Dont Think That Just Because Youre A Guy Youve Got To Keep It Together All The Time
Divorce is hard. Its emotional. Letting yourself feel your emotions has nothing to do youre your masculinity. It has everything to do with being human.
While you certainly dont need to have a public breakdown, allowing yourself to fall apart privately can do you a world of good. Not only will it make you feel better in the moment, but it will prevent you from exploding over some seemingly trivial thing later on.
Emotions are energy. They dont just go away because you dont like them or dont want to deal with them.
If you stuff down your anger because youre trying to be a good guy or because you just want to get your divorce over with, dont be surprised if you blow up in the middle of your divorce negotiations over something you dont even really care about. Thats your emotions coming out sideways!
Theyre leaking out at the most inappropriate times because you didnt deal with them when they first came up.
If you want to get through your divorce in the most productive way possible, youve got to DEAL with your emotions. If you dont know how to do that, see tip #2 and get yourself a good therapist.