Why Is Divorce So Hard
The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale states that divorce is the second most stressful event that a person can experience in their lifetime, ranked behind the death of a spouse or the death of a child.
Why is divorce so stressful? Why is it so painful? Why is it so hard?
Many of you reading this will be divorced, be going through a divorce, contemplating a divorce or know somebody in one of those three positions. Virtually nobody is untouched by divorce and its effects. Whether you were a child of divorced parents, whether you are supporting a friend through his or her divorce or whether you are a professional advising in relation to divorce, divorce impacts upon people and society in many ways and is always known for having a cost. A cost in terms of pain to the participants, a cost to the children shuttled between two parents, the cost of lawyers, the decrease in living standards, the pain of having the intimate details of your life put through the court process, the comments and queries from friends, neighbours and colleagues, the pain of having to choose one divorcing friend over another, the disruption, the agony why is it so hard?
They have failed.
Why? Why does divorce remain hard?
Divorce as a process is not hard. It is who is using the process that makes it hard.
Before we expand on that, it is pertinent to consider why does divorce occur in the first place.
Accordingly, it is these marriages which last and are largely excluded from resulting in divorce.
You’re Overcompensating On Facebook
Social media usually manufactures an extremely edited version of our lives. It’s also a space in which it’s easy to craft an illusion, hiding the reality of an unhappy marriage. According to Morris, when you or your partner suddenly start to overshare on social media, it’s usually an attempt to cover up the truth. Constantly feeling the need to show the world how great your relationship iswhen, in reality, you know it’s notmay be a sign that things are falling apart.
Staying In A Bad Marriage Could Put You At Financial Risk
Even if you have moved out or are just “taking a break” from your spouse, as long as you’re married, you could be responsible for their debts. In the eyes of the government and creditors, until you file for divorce and assign debts to one spouse or the other, you are legally married and considered a joint entity.
So, if your spouse owes money on a debt they acquired after you separated, you could still be liable. You could be sued by creditors or have your wages garnished. Worse, what if you separate from your spouse and they do something stupid on a property where your name is still on the lease or property title? Like having a party with minors where someone gets hurt? You could be liable, and you could get sued. It’s an extreme example, but it’s just one way you could place yourself at risk by delaying divorce
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It’s I And Me And Never We
Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at The Kinsey Institute and the author of Tell Me What You Want, agrees. He says that the language we use when talking about our relationships can predict a break up. “The pronouns you choose are a sign of how close you feel to your partner.” So, look out for what expressions you find yourself using.
Things To Do If You Are Thinking About Divorce
If you are thinking about divorce, your thoughts can fluctuate, ranging from the mere, fleeting imaginings of what life might be like if you were single, to the repetitive, torturous thought process of Should I or shouldnt I divorce? While one end of the spectrum is entirely normal for many people, the other end can signal serious problems in and for a marriage.
Based on our background in education and experience working with clients in our divorce practice, weve identified the following 36 things that can help you understand where you are on the spectrum of contemplating divorce and what steps you can take to gain greater clarity and stop the recurring thought process.
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Women Unlike Men Find It Easier To Cope With Divorce Because They Are More Likely To Seek Professional Help And Reach Out To Friends And Family For Support
By Kathleen ShaulUpdated: July 27, 2021Categories: Considering Divorce, Coping with Divorce
Its a common belief that women are typically more emotional than men. However, many studies have been done on the subject of who the divorce is harder on, each to discover that divorce is harder on men.
In fact, a husband may have much more to lose in terms of both health and happiness in a divorce than his wife lets look at some of the reasons why this might be.
There Are Unrealized Dreams
Every marriage is lived in both the present and the future. You were probably constantly thinking about where both of you, as a couple, would be 5, 10, or even 20 years down the road. “Two married people are like two trees that are growing side by side. The longer they grow next to each other, the more entwined the root systems become and the harder it is to extricate one from the other,” says Pease Gadoua.
Divorce naturally takes away any dreams and expectations the two of you shared, leaving you confused and forced to learn how to build a brand-new life that doesn’t include your ex. This is why newly divorced individuals find it so difficult to look forward. You could find yourself feeling stuck in the past, unable to reconcile that this chapter of your life is over, continually replaying what went wrong, and caught up in pain and negativity.
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Finding A New Normal After Divorce
When coming out of a relationship, particularly a long-term one, there is no way that everything will go back to normal immediately. In fact, it probably wont ever really return to the normal that you once knew. Accepting that things are never going to be the same again can be really hard to come to terms with..
No matter how long you were married, how many years you spent raising a family, or how amicably you divorced, your life will not go back to normal. Set realistic expectations and understand that your new life certainly wont feel normal right away. It can be easy to get caught up in a torturous cycle of questioning, asking yourself if the divorce was worth it and how to move on even if you were in an unhappy marriage.
It may seem as though youll never get past the pain caused by your divorce and the fear that this mental space is your new normal. But remember that time heals all wounds and as painful as it is, moving forward means putting aside old feelings and focusing on building the life you want after divorce.
Instead of focusing on the past, try thinking about where youd like to end up eventually. Imagine the life you want, the one youve always dreamed of, and think about the steps you can take to turn that vision into your new reality. This not only helps you move on from pining for what was comfortable, but it helps you stay focused on moving forward..
You Fear Feeling Like A Failure
Why is divorce so hard to get started when a marriage is failing? Sometimes the answer lies in your fear of personal failure. After all, you have spent all those years investing your time and energy into the success of your marriage. Now, if you end your marriage, you might feel as if you have failed as a wife and mother. And failure is a heavy burden to carry into a new life.
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Coping With Separation And Divorce
Going through a separation or divorce can be very difficult, no matter the reason for it. It can turn your world upside down and make it hard to get through the work day and stay productive. But there are things you can do to get through this difficult adjustment.
Recognize that its OK to have different feelings. Its normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated and confusedand these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.
Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way youre accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman take time to heal, regroup and re-energize.
Dont go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, relationships and overall health. Dont be afraid to get outside help if you need it.
Life will get back to normal, although normal may be different from what you had originally hoped.
Tips for talking to kids
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Realize Nice Isn’t A Reason To Stay
Even if your ex was on-paper perfect, if something did not feel right to you, or if the passion was gone, or if you became unhappy, or any other reason you thought this relationship wasn’t the best choice for you, it’s okay to give yourself permission to release your feelings of guilt. Nice is not a reason to stay in a marriage that doesn’t feel right to you.
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Introduction Of Destructive Behavior
While children go through a divorce, unresolved conflict may lead to future unexpected risks. Research has shown children who have experienced divorce in the previous 20 years were more likely to participate in crimes, rebelling through destructive behavior which harms a child’s health, with more children reporting they have acquired smoking habits, or prescription drug use.
What If There Is A More Serious Problem
Unfortunately, there are times when a separation or divorce may be the result of abuse in a relationship or in your home. If this is the case, it is important that you find a safe place for you and your children to stay. A shelter may be available in your community and can offer the support you need.
See your doctor or contact the local child welfare agency if you think your child is being abused or neglected.
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How Will Your Children React And Adjust
If you are a parent, this may be the biggest concern of all.You know a divorce will turn your childrens world upside down and inside out. You know you have to tell them before things get too far along and they start wondering whats happening.Lastly, you know life is never going to be the same in terms of being a family. And their lives as children are never going to be the same. They will rarely be with both their parents at the same time again. You will never see them every day and every night again.
They may suffer emotionally, behaviorally, academically, relationally, even physically.What if you have a spouse who insists he will fight for full custody?
What if you are married to a personality disorder, and you worry about how you will go on to deal with coparenting with a narcissist, for example?And that if you have been the one taking care of the kids while he builds his career, and you now have to coparent? Your childrens welfare no doubt tops the list of concerns when it comes to initiating a divorce. It should likewise be one of the strongest motivations for making sure you have done all you can to work on your marriage before calling it quits.
Allow Yourself To Grieve The Loss Of The Relationship
Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the breakup or divorce of a love relationship involves multiple losses:
- Loss of companionship and shared experiences .
- Loss of support, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional.
- Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams .
Allowing yourself to feel the pain of these losses may be scary. You may fear that your emotions will be too intense to bear, or that youll be stuck in a dark place forever. Just remember that grieving is essential to the healing process. The pain of grief is precisely what helps you let go of the old relationship and move on. And no matter how strong your grief, it wont last forever.
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Divorcing A Narcissist Why Is Divorce So Hard
The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale states that divorce is the second most stressful event that a person can experience in their lifetime, ranked behind the death of a spouse or the death of a child.
Why is divorce so stressful? Why is it so painful? Why is it so hard?
Many of you reading this will be divorced, be going through a divorce, contemplating a divorce or know somebody in one of those three positions. Virtually nobody is untouched by divorce and its effects. Whether you were a child of divorced parents, whether you are supporting a friend through his or her divorce or whether you are a professional advising in relation to divorce, divorce impacts upon people and society in many ways and is always known for having a cost. A cost in terms of pain to the participants, a cost to the children shuttled between two parents, the cost of lawyers, the decrease in living standards, the pain of having the intimate details of your life put through the court process, the comments and queries from friends, neighbours and colleagues, the pain of having to choose one divorcing friend over another, the disruption, the agony why is it so hard?
They have failed.
Why? Why does divorce remain hard?
Divorce as a process is not hard. It is who is using the process that makes it hard.
Before we expand on that, it is pertinent to consider why does divorce occur in the first place.
Accordingly, it is these marriages which last and are largely excluded from resulting in divorce.
Men And Women Experience Divorce Differently
In discussing some of the struggles men experience in divorce, we are necessarily generalizing. But of course all men dont experience the same challenges, and we are not trying to say that women dont experience many of these issues, too. That said, there are aspects of divorce that tend to be more difficult for men than for women.
One of these is the grieving process. We think of grief as something people experience after a death, but grief is a part of any major loss, including divorce. The loss of a marriage is one of the most significant losses a person can face. When someone loses a spouse to death, they are expected to grieve and are supported in doing so. When a man loses a spouse to divorce, the stereotype mentioned above can hamper the natural, and essential, grieving process. His friends may slap him on the back and tell him to get back out there the culture in general may shame him for crying and urge him to have a stiff upper lip. But as many a therapist has noted, there is no getting around grief one must go through it.
When men try to get over their grief prematurely without processing it, it often manifests in other ways, many of which are destructive. Unresolved grief may show up as anger, or may be self-medicated with alcohol or other substance abuse. If the substance abuse is severe or prolonged, it may affect a mans ability to see and spend time with his childrenleading to more unresolved loss and grief.
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They Stop Being Your Go
Who do you call when you’re having a bad day? Who’s the first person you text when you hear good news? There’s an amazing rainbow outside your window…whobesides Instagramdo want to send the photo to?
“Your partner should be the first person you go to, in crisis or in celebration,” says Morris. “When either one of you no longer wants to share important moments, you stop feeling connected.” That disconnect can cause major loneliness in a relationship, which can often lead to divorce.
You Lost Someone You Loved
Divorce means losing someone you once lovedand even post-divorce, you might still love them. It can create a grieving process that’s similar to what we experience when a loved one dies. There might be times when you’re angry at everyone and everything, you’ll blame yourself or your ex for the end of your happiness, and you may even withdraw from friends and family in an attempt to protect yourself from further hurt. You might think back fondly on the relationship and maybe even feel some divorce regret. Your life has been flipped upside down, so it’s understandable that it might feel difficult or nearly impossible to move on. “Its normal and healthy to relive both good and bad moments in time when you were married. Its an unavoidable part of the grief process,” says licensed therapist Susan Pease Gadoua.
Give yourself adequate time, honest self-reflection, and if needed, time with a therapist, in order to process. Remember, even if you wanted the divorce, it’s a huge loss.
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